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I don't think they even care, much less know whether I'm alive or not. Oh, I know they'll say they care to my face, but would they really? How long would it take them to forget me? A week? A month? Less than that. Maybe a few days. I dunno. I'd like to find out.
I'd like to stop hurting so badly over something so stupid and thoughtless as human beings. I think my new best friend shall be a stick by the name of Frederick. At least he can't leave me of his own free will. No free will is nice in a friend, because there's obviously something terribly wrong with me if nobody wants me.
I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I only wish it had ended in that accident, or that the remainder of it will be very very short.
- Mood:
awful - Music:Bloc Party
This was what we did. Every morning, every afternoon, every evening. We sat on the beach and waited, waited for a decent set of waves. Davi was always the first and the last to leave, sometimes staying on the beach two, three days at a time. His record was five days staring at waves without sleep. An astounding accomplishment indeed, because Davi found it almost impossible to sit still and loved sleeping. Karana always said Davi was pure trouble. She was most likely right.
- Mood:
lonely - Music:Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
To top it off, I dont think any of my so alled friends beyond Steveo( the guy i supposedly dumped like a disease{not the ase AT ALL}) who lives waaaaayyy the hell and gone in Navarre and Frog, who lives waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy the hell and gone in Ensley, really are at all. They like to pretend, and think they do. They like to aww and pout, but it doesnt do me a shit bit of good. ALL ME! I HAVE A PHONE! DIAL THE NUMBER GODDAMMIT! STOP MAKING ME FEEL WORTHLESS, PLEASE! Id all Peyton, but my parents are taking Anthony out for his birthday. So even should the tides turn and something opportune ome up to deliver me, I must stay here and wath the hildren.
Not to mention my keyboard doesnt want to use proper puntuation or sees. And its old in here. I feel trapped. Im so sik of my room, my house. I wanta igarette. I want to get out. I want to stop wathing Rent repeatedly.
I want SOMETHING for all my pain and misery.
I hate myself. What a selfish post. Maybe I deserve this. I must deserve it. What other reason is there?
Keyboard doesnt want to work properly.
If I write more eloquently than I speak, I must be horrible at speaking, beause Im not very good at writing.
- Mood:
blank
I'm ready to go out. I'm ready to see people. I'm bored.
- Mood:
energetic - Music:Blue Oyster Cult
To Alex: thank you for hanging out with me, I had a lot of fun. I can't wait for next time.
To Ty: You're the best friend anyone could hope for. And by that I mean the complete opposite. Douche.
To Mike: It's nice to know you can have wet dreams about me, but that beyond that I don't matter at all.
To Jay: Ah. Jay. My favorite cousin that I never get to see. Thanks for coming to see me while you were home on vacation. Thanks for the phone call, too. It helped a lot.
To Everyone Else: Thanks, fuckfaces, for all your concern. It's very moving. I'll be sure to pay extra attention to you all when I come out again.
Seriously, I don't know how I would have gotten through this without all of you, and if it weren't for the booze Mike can buy, I'd have dumped you like hot shit. It's nice to know who really cares through all of this.
May I remind you, this is a very sarcastic, bitter little note, so don't take yourself too seriously if you read it.
- Mood:
disappointed - Music:paramore
- Mood: depressed
There seems to be a bit of nerve damage in my foot due to that really nasty cut(read:bloody deep gash) on my footsie. And it looks like the asshat that caused said nerve damage does'nt have insurance.
YAY! Let's hear it for justice!!
So now I'm in deep shit because Mr.I'm-gonna-drive-drunk-and-on-the-wron
I'm trying to deal with this calmly, without crying, without becoming too stressed out, but quite frankly, that's rather difficult. Especially without cigarettes and/or booze. Which are surprisingly difficult to aquire without a CAR.
If I see that man I'm gonna fucking kill him.
- Location:home, unfortunately
- Mood:
pissed off - Music:Dead Peotic-Transparent
I know it's cruel, but I'm going to push you away some. I know it's awful, but I'll wait to tell you, and pray you don't hate me. I'll pray we remain good friends, that we do things together, have fun. I'll pray everything works out.
I'm so sorry.
- Location:home
- Mood:
wretched - Music:the sounds
Ok. So, on my list of least fun things ever...
CAR WRECKS
HOSPITALS
CATHATERS
HOSPITAL FOOD
STITCHES
BROKEN ARMS
COMING HOME TO A MESSY MESSY ROOM AND BEING UNABLE TO CLEAN IT
RUINED SMASHED UP DELILAHS
MESSED UP EYES
I feel like crap.
- Location:HOME
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. It's amazing.
...Almost. Except for the having to NOT be drunk in order to get home. Oh well. I don't even care anymore. Where did my morals go? I think it's a bad thing, Mike turning 21. A double edged sword, if you like. I'm getting a phone tomorrow, I hope. I'm excited.
Hey, Susan. Come visit me during christmas. We'll get plastered.
Fuck. I'm a fickle bitch. And Luke's a manwhore, which is funny, cause he's so obviously a manwhore I can't help pretending to be more naive than I really am. It's so much fun to have him think I'll seriously call. Ah, poor idiot.
i hate myself, but I'm having so much fun.
- Mood:
amused - Music:Beatles
Seven digits. They're on my wall. They sat in my pocket for four hours. I think I'm going to explode.
"Call me when you break up with him."
We were talking about sex, for christ sakes. And...well. Ahem. I was flustered all night. I was flustered the second I saw him. He flusters me. I wonder if I'll ever tell him that.
Fuck.
- Mood:
anxious - Music:thanksgiving
But what about Steveo?
I'm such a whore. :(
- Mood: anxious
It was only coffee, right? I was having a bad day, and he offered to make it better by getting me coffee. But not getting it just made my day worse. And I think everyone was mad at me cause I came into work feeling bad. I feel like I can't do anything right, like I can't be normal at all, or at least functional. I'm a walking bag of MESS. Who'd want me anyway?
I want to say 'I love you,' but I can't get the words out f my mouth. I'm scared to say how strongly I feel, scared to admit how much you mean to me, when I know she's still around. When I know she wears your ring. When I know you're too old for me, when I know, KNOW I won't be taken seriously. I'm nothing but a kid. Maybe one day, you won't see me as a kid anymore. Maybe one day I'll stop feeling this way. Maybe I could love him like I love you. Like you love her.
Just know this, Aaron: You mean too much for my heart to take. I feel like I'll burst everytime we talk, everytime I see you. This is overwhelming, and suffocating, and unfair.
I just want it to end.
- Mood:
blah - Music:Paramore-Here We Go Again
- Mood: disappointed
- Music:SIlverstien
